How To Set A Boundary

When I’m coaching someone and it becomes clear that setting a boundary would be a good idea, I usually get some pushback. They’re afraid keeping the boundary will create more strife or distance in the relationship. But, the opposite is true.

Setting a boundary helps you enjoy your relationships more. You will feel less irritated, annoyed, and frustrated.

Not sure how to set a boundary? Here are the steps:

1. Identify the Unwanted Behavior.

2. Decide on Your Action—what will YOU do if that behavior occurs?

3. Follow through Calmly—follow through WITHOUT being upset.

If you don’t follow through, it’s not a boundary, it’s a “nice idea.”

Now, you might be wondering if you need to have a discussion about the boundary. In some cases, simply deciding and following through without a conversation is enough. [See the sibling example below].

However, sometimes a conversation ahead of time is necessary.

For example, if your girlfriend has a habit of flirting with other men when you’re at a party, a discussion is warranted. Tell her the behavior you don’t like, and what you will do if it happens again. Then, follow through.

Remember, this isn’t a threat or an ultimatum, it’s a game plan on how you will proceed if they violate your boundary.

Here is an example of setting a boundary:

Step 1. Identify Unwanted behavior: your sister talks negatively about your boyfriend.

Step 2. Identify Your Action: if she does this again you will ask her to stop and change subjects. If she doesn’t stop you will end the conversation. Note: You don’t have to ask her to stop; you can simply change the subject and/or end the conversation.

Step 3. Follow through Calmly— it’s uncomfortable, but you follow through with very little mind drama. Rinse, and repeat anytime the unwanted behavior reoccurs.

Here’s a list of some common things people set boundaries around:

Negative Comments about children, romantic relationships, political or religious views.

Personal Attacks.

Invasion of privacy.

Unreasonable demands on your time or attention.

Inappropriate behavior with another person.

Speaking to you disrespectfully.

I know setting boundaries isn’t easy or fun. I’ve had to practice this myself, but trust me, you owe it to yourself and your relationships.